Entering the throne room

On the third day Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the king’s palace, in front of the king’s quarters, while the king was sitting on his royal throne inside the throne room opposite the entrance to the palace.
Esther 5:1.

Can you imagine how that felt?

You have agreed to come to this vital moment. The past few days have been a distressing, scary, vulnerable preparation for this moment. You have worried, prayed and come to no other conclusion that your fate relies on the goodness and kindness of an immoral, corrupt king. But it is not only your fate that hangs in the balance, but that of those you dearly love as well as many other thousands of lives.

You are aware that it is all now down to whether the sceptre of acceptance is held out towards you. The slight motion of the royal hand determines whether you live or die. Standing in the doorway, certain of what you must do, yet uncertain of your reception. Debating the consequences for the thousandth time. You can’t be more ready than you are now. You have personally prepared; your clothes, your mind, your words, all rehearsed and ready. You have considered how to approach, and how to win your kingly husband's favour - Is there something you’ve forgotten? No. It is time. Time to put your life firstly into the hands of God, then in the hands of this notorious, passionate king.

You do not know whether these are your last moments as you stand there. Unable even to say a tentative goodbye to those you love. You wait for the opportunity to approach, for your brave heart to kick in. Take a deep breath and just do it you tell yourself.

Taking in scene, you know this place, you have been here before, you have previously even been summoned to this place, but now you notice all the details - the intricacy of the designs, the sweet aroma, the heavy presence.
It has been a while since you’ve been here, now the environment seems even more daunting, impressive, majestic. You used to be here more often, but you seem to of fallen out of favour for some reason. For the past month the king hasn’t even wanted to see your face, let alone speak to you or anything else. So, what are you doing here?
Although the halls and passageways are familiar it feels like an intrusion to be there, and he could feel the same - There he is, the powerful, mighty king, sitting on his mighty, majestic throne. Surrounded by splendour in his seat of authority, with people of power around him.

You, a mere wife, a woman, a dispensable part of this palace. Looking in nervously, looking upon the mighty one who can seal your fate with a motion of his hand. The feeling of inferiority increases as you recognise the enormity of your task. The apprehension builds as the reality of this situation reveals itself to your anxious mind. The task now seems ridiculous and pointless. What are you really doing here? Is this going to make any difference? Isn’t it just going to end in death anyway? Shouldn’t you just turn away unseen and unheard?

Even Vashti, the great, beautiful, beloved queen before you was not as bold. She never dared enter the king’s presence uninvited, but she got ‘disposed of' - we all know what that means!

Yet, here I am, the king’s second choice (and not the only one that shares his bed!) I don’t know what is going on in this palace, let alone outside the gates, or even in the king’s mind. On top of that, he hasn’t spoken to me in over a month, or requested my presence, so what on Earth am I doing here?
It is just going to be history repeated. Just another story of the wife that got disposed of.

This offence is surely greater than that of Vashti! She refused to come, but here I am barging in!

How dare I?

What should I do?

Ok, breathe, breathe.

I am contemplating my fate, the fate of the kingdom and my precious people. Yet, this anxiety is not going to help. I know I am taking a risk - a HUGE one, but who else can do it? Yes, it is dangerous, I could lose my life, but the lives of many depend on my actions. It's time to be bold, I and my people are desperate. This panic is going to do no good. God strengthen me. I don't know what you are going to do, but I know what I must.

I have nothing. I am putting myself in a completely vulnerable and humble position. I have prayed, fasted, and so have many others. Now it is time to trust that God has a plan - I have none. I have nothing. I am nothing, and I have nothing to offer the king of the world.

I am entering the throne room as a beggar. Entering the king's presence with all to lose and all to gain.

Well, I can't stay here debating with myself forever. It is now or never. I’ll never know the outcome unless I step forward, empty-handed as I am.
I have done my best. I have prepared everything that I can. I have; prayed, fasted, considered my request. There's nothing else for it. It is time.

God be with me I breathe silently. Deep breath. It's time to enter the king's presence…