Heartache and laughter?

When I left university, the industry I'd trained for had stopped employing people, so I had to just get any old job that would have me. I was disappointed, I felt useless. I hadn't done as well as I'd expected, I knew I was capable of more. I felt I'd let my parents down as they'd helped fund me through uni with limited funds themselves. I felt I'd let down myself and my family. To add to that I couldn't get a job, so I ended up applying for anything. It took a while, but I ended up working in a shop.

I had to walk to and from work everyday. I spent most of that time crying. 

I felt like a failure and didn't want to be around any more. I was lonely and unfulfilled. My life hadn't worked out how I'd wanted in more ways than one.

Yet, no one else knew the inner pain I was in. People saw me as a happy, bubbly person. I became good at, 'putting a good face on' - pretending I was happy when my heart was troubled. I'd laugh and joke at work, church, out with friends, even with family. I pretended to have fun and be happy because I didn't want to upset or worry anyone. In reality I was laughing on the outside, crying on the inside. 

It was a really hard period of life, and went on for a long time. I knew the distraught feeling of failure deep inside, yet people saw me as a happy person and I couldn't let them down. It was like I was two people - The sad internal reality and the upbeat, happy outer person. 

Even in laughter the heart may ache, 

and the end of joy may be grief. 

Proverbs 14:13

A laugh or happy time lasts for a moment, the despair and grief that takes hold of the heart outlives them both. It's hard work keeping up the pretence of being happy. I knew that no-one knew the inner anguish I felt because of what I outwardly portrayed. 

If you are going through a period of inner anguish, please don't be like me. 

Please don't suffer alone. 

It is a part of life that grief, heart-ache, laughter and joy will come. You don't have to go through it alone. Despite what internally you are saying to yourself, people do care, there are those that love you. 

There is also someone who is bigger and stronger than your circumstances that loves you - God. The God who created you, created you for purpose. He loves you. He is with you, He will never let you down. 

He dragged me through that time. He didn't answer my prayers to die, but over time he showed me what it is like to live. Now, when I laugh, it's not a cover up. It's not a pretence, it's the real deal. There are still times when I feel down, but I don't try to cover it up. I am who I am. Life happens, there are good bits and not good bits, but we can get through it well. We don't need to put a mask and pretend we are ok when we are not. Ask God to help you. 

I had no idea that God even heard me when I was feeling desperate, but I asked him to help. Now my life is different, yours can be to. You could even turn this verse around to say, 'even in heartache there is laughter, at the end of grief there is joy'.