‘When Mordecai learned all that had been done, Mordecai tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the midst of the city, and he cried out with a loud and bitter cry. *2*He went up to the entrance of the king’s gate, for no one was allowed to enter the king’s gate clothed in sackcloth. *3*And in every province, wherever the king’s command and his decree reached, there was great mourning among the Jews, with fasting and weeping and lamenting, and many of them lay in sackcloth and ashes.’
Esther 4:1–3.
Can you imagine the scene? Can you consider the atmosphere of this pervading grief publicly displayed on the streets, in the town and even up to the very gates of the palace?
Can you envisage the sound of the city changed by people wailing in despair?
Can you conceive the smell of the sackcloth and ashes?
How about picturing the sight of many people gathering together displaying their distress?
I don't know about you, but I find it difficult to visualise, although I can capture something of the down-heartened state the citizens must of been in during that time. The scene depicted here on Esther encapsulates the response of the Jews as they become aware of the planned annihilation of their people.
Mordecai, along with many Jews publicly demonstrated his mourning over this edict. As a community, the Jews displayed their individual and corporate grief and distress. They were not ashamed, not only to cry, but even to cry, '
out with a loud and bitter cry'. Such was the extent of their distress that they even went around
, ' fasting and weeping and lamenting'.
I admire the Jews in their natural, overwhelmed, unashamed response to this horrific news. As a British citizen born and bred, it is hard to fully appreciate this response. In this country, we are taught to maintain a 'stiff upper lip' and 'put a brave face on' when we encounter times of great distress and grief. We are encouraged, conditioned, even to not let anyone know how we are really feeling. We keep the thoughts in our heads, and the emotions of our hearts well locked up, so tightly sometimes that even we ourselves can struggle to know how we feel.
I know that growing up, our family experienced some traumatic events, and even from a young age, we learned not to hide how we felt. I do not say that my family is at fault, but that the cultural expectation is 'that happened yesterday, move on'. We are encouraged to, 'sweep things under the carpet'. We do not outwardly lament, cry or express our natural responses in times of tragedy, instead we hold up our heads and keep ploughing on. We maintain the British stiff upper lip at all times, isn't that also your experience of our culture?
I know for me, as a child, I would naturally respond in fear, worry, tears, but soon found that these responses were unacceptable and unnecessary. So, I learnt to hide my emotions, if I had to cry, I would save it for the shower or under a pillow at nighttime, in fact I still do. It is hard to break the habits of a lifetime. My emotions have been hidden for so long, it is sometimes difficult for me to understand how I even feel, it take work for me to figure it out, and my loving husband often knows how I feel before I do! He is patient and kind and has modelled to me being able to express how you feel, and I do try to get there, but it is still difficult. I admire his ability to understand his emotions; state, as well as my own, and that he has freedom and confidence in expressing himself.
He reminds me of these Jews we are reading about in Esther. Unafraid, unashamed of their feelings, able to freely show their emotional state, not worrying about the response of others, but naturally displaying their emotions.
How different our culture is! Often we cannot even tell if someone is happy or sad, because we have learnt to hide it all behind a mask of indifference, behind the standard "I'm ok" response. How different would it be if we felt the permission to release our emotions in front of each other?
If we were all honest with ourselves and those around us, how would that be? Would you have the confidence or even the awareness of your own emotions to display them?
I think we have been encapsulated by the lie that it is a weakness to show how we feel, that it is not acceptable to show our emotions and that others would not like or understand us if we did. Consider the Jews in this, one by one they must of shown their grief, then one by one they realised others felt the same, then before long whole swathes of people were joining in the public mourning, they were sharing their grief, united in distress. What a strength that is. As individuals they were brave enough to show their pain to others, although sharing the pain could not resolve the situation, their was a whole community grieving together, they understood and shared each others pain. If we keep our hurt to ourselves, we have no escape from ir. We have no release from it, and we will never know the love, support and understanding of those around us.
Is it any wonder that there is grave concern in our nation about the state of our Mental Health?
Instead of 'sucking up' our emotions, or 'putting on brave faces', how about sharing our hurt with others? Give yourself permission to feel. You do not need to face the world as if nothing has happened, or remain at home languishing in despair alone. You can go out into the city, you can go to work, school, to the shops, it doesn't matter if others see your emotions pouring out of you, you are allowed to display and share your pain. You never know the people that will understand your distress, who can stand with you and cry alongside you, who can sit with you, fast and pray with you. There may well be a whole community that are with you in your despair. You are not alone in your experiences, or at least you do not have to be.
If you are not sure who to talk to, pray. Look for opportunities to talk to someone you trust, it is ok to seek advice, help, support and professional assistance, don't be afraid to face up to your emotions.
It is not brave to hide your emotions, it is far braver to face them.
